Articles and writing with Linda Connors
In my private hypnotherapy and coaching practice one of the most common areas men come to see me for is sexual performance anxiety.
They worry about how long they will last, will they get an erection, ejaculate to soon or worried about pleasing their partner/making her orgasm. Whether it's in a new relationships or a long-standing one sexual anxiety limits the fun, enjoyment and pleasure of sex.
Sexual performance anxiety is often all consuming - impacting your mind, body and penis. It restricts and limits your sexual performance because your energy is focused on anxiety.
This article for both men and women alike. Men - know that you are not alone when you experience sexual anxiety. It may not be openly discussed, but it impacts many men and help is available to solve this. Women - it's so important you understand that men also have fears, anxiety and feel vulnerable with sex. Be supportive and give them the space they need to work through this without any pressure.
1. Sexual performance anxiety caused by sexual dysfunction
Working with hundreds of men over the years who experience delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, I have personally witnessed the impact sexual issues has on their lives, relationships, masculinity and even work performance. When a man is not able to perform due to sexual dysfunction it has a huge impact at the core of him, he feels deeply embarrassed, ashamed and even humiliated - this causes sexual performance anxiety which often dominates his thoughts constantly.
2. Anxious about pleasing your partner
A man's identity is closed linked to his sexual identity and if men worry they are not able to sexually please their partner this will often cause high levels of anxiety. As a result, men put more pressure on themselves to perform better, and this causes the cycle of sexual anxiety that they are not good enough or worry their partner may leave them.
3. Anxious mindset
It's so very hard to enjoy sex when your thoughts and mindset get in the way. "Is my partner enjoying this", "Am I going to lose my erection?", or "Will I ejaculate too soon?" Often men who experience sexual anxiety have what we call a fixed, critical or judgement mindset. They focus on failing before it has even happened. When you are preoccupied with failing and focussed too much on your thoughts it is so very difficult to enjoy sex and be connected with your partner, and this causes inmore anxiety.
4. Penis size and shame
A man's penis is linked to his male identity and if he feels his penis isn't adequate to please his partner, or a new partner will laugh at his penis size this causes sexual anxiety. According to a 2008 study in the Journal of Health Psychology men's anxiety about penis size are top of their list alongside weight and height. The anxiety and shame about penis size can impact a man in many areas of his life - many will not even start a new relationship, worry they are not able to please their partners sexually, causes performance anxiety and how he sees himself as a man and impacts his confidence levels.
5. Men, sex and vulnerability
Sexual performance anxiety for men can be so isolating because he often will not discuss what he is feeling with his partner for fear of appearing weak or not a man. They are afraid to let their partner see this vulnerable side. Yet, the key to a deeper, intimate and more connected sex is in vulnerability.
6. Sex and a new partner
The first time a couple has sex together is often a very vulnerable experience for both of them. As they begin to open their hearts to each other it deepens and brings a new level of intimacy. However, for some men this can bring high levels of anxiety especially if they deeply care for their partner and see a possible long term relationship. They worry they will not please her or not able to perform. Even putting on a condom can be anxiety provoking.
How to truly overcome sexual performance anxiety
The path to overcoming sexual performance anxiety is also a personal journey of your strengths, what you need to develop, and where you need to grow.
Each man's journey and path is unique, some need more help with their mindset and thoughts, others about fears and anxiety, and for others it's about working through a sexual issues, or how they deal with their partner's lack of support.
If you need help to overcome sexual anxiety you are welcome to contact me and let's have a conversation and discuss how I can help you to say goodbye to performance anxiety and welcome into your mind, body and heart an opportunity for better sex and a calmer mind and body.