When you are open and honest with yourself and your partner it allows time for growth, healing and working together as a team. For some this is truly frightening as they prefer to hold on tightly to the ways of the past regardless of how uncomfortable and dysfunctional they are. They project onto the other and blame them for their misfortune in life and their love becomes conditional.
All of this is created by the ego. On one level it is used to keep you safe and at arm’s length. At another level it keeps the relationship stagnant and stuck. Here is a beautiful piece by Rev. Diane Berke which illustrates how the ego works in relationship and how it blocks love from flourishing
Vows of the Ego
- I vow to turn you into a symbol of my sense of unworthiness, my sense of not being good enough, and to use you to justify my decision to forget who I really am.
- I vow to make you into an idol – to see you as the source of my happiness, security, sense of well-being, sense of worth and peace.
- Therefore, I vow to blame you for many feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, lack of fulfilment, anger and discontentment that I feel.
- I vow to use our relationship to practice and perfect my skills of judgment, projection and giving to get, and to re-enforce my perception of myself as a lacking, powerless victim.
- I vow to make the form of our relationship more important that its content, and to focus my energy and attention on whether or not you are living up to my needs as I have defined them.
- As long as you fulfil the demands and desires of my ego, I will love you and be nice to you. When you don’t, I will feel justified in criticising and attacking you, manipulating you, and trying to change or control you.
- I vow to use our relationship to reinforce my belief that safety lies in separation, in keeping secrets, in being defensive and attacking when I am scared.
- I vow to emerge from our relationship more angry, despairing, cynical, defensive, hopeless and convinced of my guilt and unworthiness (and yours) than when I entered it!