Articles and writing with Linda Connors
Vaginismus - how to have sex pain free with calmness, confidence and ease
In my last article I discussed what causes Vaginismus and today I am want to share how to resolve vaginismus and how you can learn to have sex with freedom, calmness, confidence and ease.
For women who have vaginismus, sex is very challenging because the vagina tenses up and blocks the penis from entering the vagina. It is very difficult to imagine having sex when fear and anxiety is connected to ever thoughts about sex.
Many women need professional help and support to take these steps to having sex for the first time. So today I want to share with you some suggestions to help you prepare your mind, body and heart to have sex for the first time, or perhaps to have sex after a long time.
Relaxation and breathing exercises
Your body and vagina have set up an unconscious behaviour pattern which causes the vagina and body to tense and put up barriers to block any attempts to sex. Learning how to relax your mind and body is essential to overcome vaginismus as if you are scared or anxious your body will immediately tense especially your vagina. Practising yoga and meditation are both wonderful ways to relax and connect with your body.
Talk openly with your partner
Make the unconscious conscious - talk with your partner how you feel, how your body reacts and what your fears are. Don't keep your partner in the dark. Women are often afraid to speak up and share with their partners how they are feeling and what is happening as they worry about the pressure to have sex.
Also, let your partner share with you his feelings and thoughts. This conversation is the gateway to honesty, support and deeper love.
Be intimate with your partner
Don't let vaginismus stop you from being close with your partner. There are others ways to be intimate with other sexually without having sexual intercourse. Massage, kissing, stroking, cuddling and touching each other are wonderful ways to connect with each other on a heart level. Often women who experience vaginismus often fear if they are intimate in this way that it will lead to their partner wanting to have sex - this is why it is essential to be open and honest with each other.
Use dilators to retrain your vagina
Dilators can help to retrain your vagina and create a new body memory of being open, relaxed and safe when you have something in your vagina.
As you go on your vaginismus healing journey remember to take time out to celebrate each achievement and success, feel empowered by them as you continue to take a step towards reaching a fulfilled and happy sex life. If you insert a dilator in deeper than before or your use the next size up - celebrate! When your partner can insert his finger in your vagina or able to insert even the tip of his penis in your vagina - Celebrate!
Vaginismus Treatment Programme
As Europe's leading sex hypnotherapist I have created a healing and empowering vaginismus treatment programme which brings together hypnosis, body coaching, meditation and mind-body connection to create healing and retraining your mind, body and heart to be empowered to overcome vaginismus and start to have sex with ease, comfort and confidence.
It's a step by step process which works with your mindset, how you think and changes the way you process and respond to thoughts. You will resolve Vaginismus underlying issues and create a deeper understanding of yourself as women. You will develop and strengthen your resilience, resources and skills within you for inner-belief, calmness, confidence, and emotional well-being. You will learn how to change the behaviour patterns which are embedded in your body and vagina and sex and create a new response and way of being - which is more physically open.
Your next steps
Embrace each new day with an open heart, mind and body as you begin this new journey to connect with who you truly are.
Are you ready to overcome vaginismus and learn how to retrain your mind, body and heart, so you enjoy sex with freedom, ease, comfort and confidence? Call Linda today - she is here to help.
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist and provides the vaginismus hypnotherapy treatment programme to professional and successful woman so they have more balance, connection and intimacy in their lives.
To speak with Linda and to apply for the 1-2-1- programme please call 075 3431 3557.
What causes Vaginismus
Many women who suffer from vaginismus feel alone, embarrassed and ashamed. They often suffer in silence by avoiding any sexual activity and some women even refuse to start a relationship. Vaginismus is actually a common sexual issue and professional help is available so you can start to have sex with your partner.
To heal and resolve vaginismus you must create change to retrain your mind, body and heart to enable you to have sex with confidence, calmness and ease - and without pain.
What is vaginismus?
Vaginismus is a condition that makes sexual penetration, medical exams and inserting tampons impossible. The muscles around the vagina tense and tighten involuntarily which makes sex and penetration impossible.
How Vaginismus impacts your life
Many women contact me feeling confused and frustrated about vaginismus. They love their partner deeply, yet their bodies will not let them have sex.
They don't understand why their body and vagina responds by tightening, closing, shutting down or putting a wall up - but they know the impact it has on their lives and relationships. These women worrying that they will not be able to get pregnant naturally, experience anxiety about sex being painful and worried their partners may leave them, because they can't have sex. They often lose their identity as a woman and some women will not even start a relationship.
The inner conflict
One side of them wants to have sex and become closer and more intimate with their partner, and other side doesn't want to as it feels safe and secure in the old behaviour patterns - this is the aspect that creates fear and anxiety about sex.
It's essential to work with these two sides - otherwise the inner conflict will become bigger. As we work together on the Vaginismus Hypnotherapy Empowerment Programme you will learn how to get these to two sides to work together to create positive changes and reduce the inner conflict, anxiety and fear.
What causes vaginismus?
It's important to know that each woman is different and therefore each underlying causes are different.
This is the end for part 1. Return back tomorrow for part 2 on how you can overcome vaginismus so you can have sex with ease, confidence and freedom.
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist and works with women in the UK and around the world to resolve vaginismus so they can enjoy sex with freedom, confidence and ease.
If you also want to break free from vaginismus contact me today o 075 3421 3557.
Are you seeking what feels like the exclusive orgasm?
Perhaps you have never experienced an orgasm, or don't think you had one. Or perhaps you only have had orgasms occasionally, or only through self-stimulation and pleasure without your partner. Or maybe your orgasm never quite reaches its peak.
Rest assured you are not the only one.
Never underestimate the effect not being able to orgasm has on you. As Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist, I have worked with many women who are not able to orgasm. Some of whom are very successful in their careers and hold leadership positions but feel like they are failing in the bedroom.
They often feel something is wrong with them, incomplete, ashamed or embarrassed that they are not able to enjoy what many others can - or see the unrealistic portrayal of sex and women's orgasms in movies. They want to enjoy it for themselves and their partners. However, something deep within the unconscious and physical level is holding them back.
Does this sound or feel familiar to you as well?
Not being able to orgasm is often very frustrating especially when you love sex and are very attractive to your partner.
There are many barriers, beliefs, cultural beliefs, blockages which stop you from having an orgasm to your full potential. Your relationship with your mind, body and heart also influences your enjoyment or sex, the ability to let go and sexually express yourself.
I want to share with you ten factors why you can't orgasm and the solutions:
1. Not sexually aroused
Solution: Explore and experiment in a fun and loving way with your partner. Have fun with foreplay. Read books to get ideas - the Karma Suta is a great starting point for new positions.
2. Do not know your own body and what turns you on
Solution: Self-pleasure and masturbation are healthy expressions of who you are as a woman and sexual human being. Let go of any guilt, embarrassment and shame you may feel and explore your body with curiosity, openness and fun. Discover what turns your on. Where you like to be touched. There are plenty of new products aimed at women and self-pleasure. Explore, have fun and enjoy!
3. You put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm
Solution: When you put too much pressure and focus on having an orgasm it builds up more frustration, stress and tension in the body. Sex is like life. It's not about the destination - it's about the journey. Enjoy each sexual moment and pleasure without any expectations of what may or not happen in five or ten minutes. Get out of your head and return back into your body.
4. You find it difficult to let go and give up control
Solution: Experiencing an orgasm either by yourself or with your partner requires the ability to fully let go - on a mind, body, physical, emotional and heart level. If you find it difficult to let go sexually, emotionally and physically during sex - sex hypnotherapy can help.
5. You find it difficult to communicate your sexual needs
Solution: Women often find it difficult to ask what they want especially around sex. Find your inner voice and share with your partner what you enjoy, what doesn't work and explore together to find new ways to receive and enjoy pleasure.
6. You fear intimacy or experience emotional issues
Solution: Fear of intimacy, emotional pain from abuse, anxiety, depression and stress or play a huge role in how you feel sexually about yourself. It has a huge impact on your physical body too. Sexual healing is fundamental in healing, recovering, and taking the first step forward to embracing your sexual empowerment.
7. Sex has become too routine or boring
Solution: Talk openly to your partner about your feelings. Use I statements rather than you statements. Invite him to share what he would like to experience too. Create space to talk - it's important to have this discussion when you are not in the bedroom or being sexual.
8. Sex is not the only way
Solution: The old saying "it's the journey not the destination that matters" rings true for orgasms. Sexual pleasure also comes from natural emotional highs, a deep sense of love and connection to your heart. A good sex life is connected to your attitude, relationship with body, and how open your mind, body and heart is. Explore and enjoy!
9. You are held back by unconscious inhibitions and beliefs about sex
Solution: Women carry a lot of cultural and emotional baggage around sex which is often passed down from one generation to the next. Be open with your partner about your fears and inhibitions as this makes the unconscious conscious.
Some inhibitions and beliefs about sex may be adamant due to culture, religious or conservative upbringing so you may find working with a sex hypnotherapist beneficial to heal and release these feelings and inhibitions.
Solution: Speak with your doctor as medical conditions or medication can cause some sexual issues. Therapy and hypnotherapy can still help but talk to your doctor first.
About Linda Connors
Linda is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist in London Harley Street, Bath and Skype and specialises in women's sexuality and sexual empowerment. She has created a 5 step system which helps women be sexually empowered to learn how to orgasm fully.
You can take the first step towards changing your life today by calling Linda on 075 3421 3557.
If you suffer wtih sexual performance anxiety you know there is nothing more frustrating than worrying about your performance. It holds you back and has a massive impact on your sex life, how you feel as a man or women, levels of intimacy and connection in the relationship and your enjoyment of sex.
Men who experience sexual performance anxiety tend to focus on their performance, worry they won't please their partner, if they will ejaculation too soon or lose their erection. As a result, they experience high levels of stress and anxiety and are not able to enjoy the sexual experience because they are too focussed on their performance and anxiety.
Women tend to worry about how they look, distracted by their to-do lists, and how tired they will get. Many women also feel very anxious that sex will be painful, hurt or they can't let go to orgasm. As a result, they don't enjoy sex, are not entirely present, and some avoid having sex with their partner.
The main driving force of performance anxiety is the fear of what others will think of you if you fail to perform or live up to their expectations. You may fear your partner stops being sexually attractive to you, will leave, have an affair or stop seeing you as "real man" or "real women".
Sexual Performance Anxiety and worrying about performing badly in bed also creates a disconnection during sex. When you focus on performance it is tough to be 100% present with your partner, unite as a couple, be sexually confident, and enjoy sex as it blocks love, intimacy and connection.
I want to share with you a great three-minute video on the fear of performing badly in bed and what it takes to be a good partner. It's quite general but still worth while watching.
You are invited to the watch video and be aware of your own inner sexual fears and how you can turn these around to focus on how to enjoy sex to your full potential with passion, connection and fulfilment.
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist with a private clinic in London Harley Street, Bath and also works online with Skype. She works with one to one with men, women and couples to resolve sexual issues and enhance their sex life with confidence, love, connection and enjoyment.
You can start having a better sex life today - the first step is to call Linda on 075 3421 3557.
Sex and intimacy is what makes us human. Beyond the primal urges it is something that unites, connects and bonds two people together in ways other ways can't. Yet many, especially men, are plagued by sexual performance anxiety. They worry about their performance, if they are good enough, if they can match up to previous partners and worry about sexually pleasing their partner.
Sex between two people is raw, vulnerable, intimate, physical, heart-felt and for many spiritual as well. We meet each other in the rawness of our humanity. Many men and women are afraid of this. They are afraid to fully show up and allow the other to really see them. They experience sex from a place of fear and anxiety rather than a place of connection and love. Men focus on performance and failing and women are not able to fully let go on a physical and emotional level.
Here are 7 simple yet very powerful steps in learning how to move beyond sexual performance anxiety and into a place of connection, love, passion, and sexual enjoyment.
Step 1 - Acknowledging sexual performance anxiety
So many people try to fight sexual performance anxiety. They argue with it. Give in to it. Try to push it aside. They get stuck in their fixed, judgement and critical mindset. All of this action leads to more anxiety about sex. They focus on anxiety rather than the pleasure of sex or connection with their partner. The first step to dealing with sexual performance anxiety is simply acknowledging you are experiencing it. It may sound very simple but it is a very important step. By acknowledging the sexual anxiety you begin to let go of the energy to control it and push it away. You then have space within to focus on moving forward, resolving the sexual anxiety and the ability to enjoy sex once again
Step 2 - Focus on breathing
The second step is to focus on your breathing. This may feel mechanical at first, but keep going with it as it will soon feel natural and become an unconscious action. Focus on your in-breath and out-breath. Imagine you are breathing in calmness and letting go on the out-breath. Your breath is the anchor into calmness and being grounded. If your breath is shallow or too fast paced due to the anxiety this will only increase the level of anxiety you are feeling. The breath also helps you to get out of your mind and into your body.
Step 3 - Connect to mind, body and heart
Men and women both feel sexual performance anxious but it manifests in different ways which leads to a disconnection of mind, body and heart. Men and women tend to focus on four things when experiencing sexual anxiety:
This process disconnects the individual from their whole body. Men do not just experience sex with your mind and penis - it is a whole body experience of your mind, body and heart. When you learn how to connect with all of you the anxiety lessens and reduces as you are connected with all of your being rather than the aspects which are dysfunctional.
So many women are disconnected from their vagina - there is a lot of shame around this intimate part of them. When they learn to connect with all of their feminine body - mind, body and heart they begin to enjoy and be present with sex on a whole new connected level.
Being sexually connected to your mind, body and heart brings a new dimension of sexual enjoyment, pleasure and joy into the bedroom and sex life.
Step 4 - It's okay to be vulnerable
Many men and women fear being vulnerable. Men fear it because they think it will make them weak and they also fear rejection. Women fear it because they fear getting hurt and fear rejection. The gift of being vulnerable adds depth, strength and connection to relationships and sex. It allows the other to experience you as you are without any masks. Take smalls steps towards opening up with your vulnerability - allow your partner to see you in a new way and new light.
Step 5 - Communication is the key
To being vulnerable brings us to the power and key of communication. Men especially fear talking about their sexual insecurities and sexual performance anxiety. The lack of communication and open discussion brings more pressure to get it "right" and this simply adds to more anxiety. To be vulnerable also means to be open to communicate with your partner and share your fears and anxieties. This often leads to an inner relaxation and letting go of the inner pressures. Begin to open the door way to open and honest communication with your partner.
Step 6 - Sexual confidence
Many think that two opposite emotions and feelings can not exist together. So it is either sexual anxiety or sexual confidence. Sexual anxiety can co-exist with sexual confidence. So focus on confidence. Don't just think about confidence - begin to embody and feel it in your body and heart. Sexual confidence allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and to express yourself sexually in the way you want to. Focus on naturally building and developing your inner resources and sexual confidence and your sexual experiences will be enhanced.
Step 7 - Connection to sexual energy
Sexual energy is such an important part of your sexual life. Many men disconnect from their masculinity because of sexual anxiety or a sexual problem. They feel less of a man as they they worry they can't please their partner. Women often also disconnect from their sexual energy and feminine energy. Learning how to reconnect and bring forth this sexual energy brings a new level of intimacy, fun, passion and enjoyment in your sex life. It helps to remove the masks of fear and anxiety. it allows you to tap into your mind, body and heart in a powerful, natural and connected way.
Do you experience Sexual Performance Anxiety?
If you experience sexual performance anxiety rest assured you are not alone. It is a common fear for so many men and women. The steps above will support you to moving beyond sexual anxiety into sexual confidence - if you do want expert help please do contact me. My details are below.
If your partner or someone who you know experiences sexual performance anxiety please do share this article with them.
Linda Connors is a Sex Hypnotherapist specialising in sexual performance anxiety and sexual issues. She works with men,women and couples in London Harley Street and online Skype. To speak with Linda or to find out how you can work with her please call 075 3421 3557.
We have all heard of men's sexual dysfunction and sexual issues form erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, sexual anxiety, and delayed ejaculation but have you heard of these women's sexual issues?
Despite the myth that women like talking about their emotions many women simply don't like to talk about their sexual problems - or the lack of sex. Feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed are often high and sex becomes out of reach as they disconnect from their sexual self.
There are many underlying issues causing women's sexual dysfunction from medical conditions, emotional, relationship with body, disconnection from vagina, fear of rejection, religious and conservative upbringing, or trauma/abuse.
In my practice I have seen women who have been married for 15 years and they have never been able to have sex with their husband. They come to me because they want one last try to start a family. Women who avoid sex because they can't orgasm. Women who are too afraid to start a relationship because they fear sex will hurt. They carry all of this weight, shame and guilt, fear and embarrassment on their shoulders and in their hearts. Their closest friends often do no even know what they are going through. It impacts their confidence, sense of femininity, relationships and self love.
It's a crazy world we live in. Let's compare the difference names between men and women's sexual issues - premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction - it's pretty obvious what these relates to. Now look at the names used for women's sexual dysfunctions - Vaginismus or Vulvodynia. You will need to do a google search to know what these relate to. It's time we normalised women's sexual issues. It's time we ended the shame around women and sex. The shame of having a vagina. The shame of having a sexual issue. We need to talk about this more openly and freely because as a society many women still carry wounds on a deep unconscious level about sex and their sexuality.
Sex is something to be enjoyed and embraced not something to hide away in shame or embarrassment. If you experience a sexual issue know that mostly likely it can be solved. But you must take action. The first step is to speak to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical condition then look for a trained therapist to work with you. Working with men and women sexual issues are very different and it's essential the person you work with understands this.
Please share this post so more women are aware of female sexual dysfunction.
Hypnotherapist and Coach Linda Connors works with women to resolve sexual issues, heal the shame and guilt of sexual female identity, tap into their femininity to be empowered to enjoy sex to their greatest potential.
For more information please call 0753421 3557.
I have lost count of the number of times a client has said to me "I tried sex therapy but all they wanted to talk about was my childhood". The sessions didn't go anywhere and the client made no steps forward.
Traditional Sex Therapy focusses on the past - and although some answers may live there - it doesn't help the client in the here and now. Sometimes we do need to return back to the past to learn, create awareness and understanding, to heal and bring that back into the present day allows a new way forward. But during the therapeutic process the skill is knowing when to move on and return back to the present with your client.
There has been great advancement in sex therapy over the years and it's slowly becoming more holistic (working with the mind, body and heart).
My wish is that sex therapy is modernised. To bring it in alignment with today's world. So many people are disconnected from themselves, body and heart the traditional sex therapy methods are not always applicable in this day and age.
People want to be more connected to themselves and their sexual partner, to tap into their sexual potential, their sexual energy and essence, to feel more, to align their mind, body and heart and they want a process which enables them to do this. Just talking about this is not enough - as it doesn't engage the body or heart.
Change and transformation can happen much quicker than people think. I have witnessed this in myself and my clients. Life long sexual dysfunction and issues resolved within 2-6 sessions. That's because I have dedicated my life to learning from the best, researching sexual potential, masculinity and femininity. I teach my clients not only to think differently but also to embody and embed the changes they make in their body and heart.
Hopefully traditional Sex Therapy will catch up to the needs of men and women who want to transform their sex life.
Our sexual identity is complex. Both men and women carry baggage from social and culture beliefs, childhood experiences and trauma, mind-set and thoughts, anxiety and fear and our internal programming.
As humans beings we experience life on many different levels and this includes sex - through our mind, body, heart and spirit.
Men and women sexuality are both different and need to be addressed and worked on differently. When men and women experience sexual issues they often get stuck on one or two of the levels - and sex becomes unbalanced and confidence, fulfilment and enjoyment are reduced.
When men experiences sexual issues (erection issues, early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation or sexual anxiety) often get stuck in their thoughts. Thoughts such as I won't be able to perform. I can't please my partner. She is going to leave me. They focus on their thoughts and what their penis is or isn't doing - and disconnect from their partner. The anxiety in the body can feel very strong and contribute to the sexual issues. This has a direct impact their sexual performance, sexual confidence, male identity and masculinity.
When women experiences sexual issues (Vaginismus, orgasm issues, low sex drive, low sexual confidence/anxiety) the levels of mind, body and heart are impacted. Their thoughts may include I won't be able to have sex. I can't orgasm. It's going to hurt. The female body can find it difficult to let go, relax or be open on a physical level especially if they fear sex or feel like they are missing out on something.. Some women feel very vulnerable opening their hearts based upon trust issues, low self esteem and fear. This has a direct impact on how women feel about themselves, their relationship with their body and vagina, sexual confidence and femininity.
Alignment of mind, body, heart and spirit (masculinity / femininity)
As a result - both men and women's experience of sex is often unbalanced and they don't enjoy or feel fulfilled because of this.
This is why it's fundamental when addressing your sexual issues and creating change it's so important to working with the levels of mind, body, heart and spirit. To bring balance to each part of the aspects of you who are. To align this with your goals, aspirations, sexual energy, masculine / feminine energy, hopes and desires as well as creating solutions for the sexual issues.