How do you love your vagina? What is your relationship with your vagina? How do you love your vagina? How often do you think of her? How would you describe your relationship with this most intimate and sacred part of you?
Is she filled with shame? Do you disconnect from her? Avoid her? Do you close the door to the room of pleasure and desire?
Each vagina is unique and beautiful with their own characteristics, colour, shape and size.
I work with many women with orgasm issues or vaginismus who disown their vagina, think that it's ugly, disgusting, and close themselves off to this natural part of them. They attach stories to them "it's a funny shape" "It's ugly" "It's not normal".
When you disconnect from your vagina you are also disconnecting from a sacred and wild part of you. Wild not as in "crazy" but wild as so ancient and powerful as the strongest mountains.
How do you cultivate a loving and sacred relationship with your vagina? It's a journey of the mind, body, heart and spirit. For when you connect to this most beautiful part of you also connect with the wild goddess within.
Step 1 - Acceptance
The first step to cultivating a loving relationship with your vagina is acceptance. Accept how you feel about her. Write a list of 10 words to describe how you feel about your vagina. Then pause. Just breathe. Perhaps ugly or disgusting may be on your list. Sit in a non-judgement place of acceptance.
Step 2 - Write a letter to your vagina
Get out a pen and journal or notebook. Write free hand and let the words flow. Do not hold back. Be truthful here. What are you honest thoughts here? How do you truly feel about your vagina? What do you want her to know
Note: use hand writing with pen and paper rather than typing on screen as it is more engaging with your mind, body and heart.
Step 3 - Write a letter from your vagina to you
This time write a letter from your vagina to you. What does your vagina want you to know today? How does she feel being in the dark and shadows? How does she feel about being hidden for so long and disconnected from you? How does she want to express herself?
Again use handwriting rather than typing on screen.
Step 4 - Breathe into your vagina
Our breath is the most ancient and knowing part of us. Meditate and breathe into your vagina. Gentle breaths and nothing rushed.
Breathe in to your vagina - all the way through your heart, stomach until the breath meets your vagina.
Pause. Allow your breath to meet your vagina.
Release the breath.
Repeat as required.
Beware of the physical sensation of your breath meeting this ancient and sacred part of you.
Step 5 - A living question
A living questions is something that we give life and breath to. It's a form of meditation.
For five days, ask yourself what does my vagina want me to know today.
Example: one thing my vagina wants to know today is...…
When you start to love your vagina your life naturally changes. You open your heart, body and mind in a new and exciting ways. Your wild heart starts to have more presence upon this ancient landscape.
Have fun with these steps and be creative. As you learn how to love your vagina you also learn how to love yourself more deeply and wildly.
Premature ejaculation anxiety often causes the one thing men dread – early ejaculation. When you are feeling anxious about ejaculation too quickly your body naturally enters into two modes – fight or flight.
Flight anxiety – men want to get out of the bedroom they want to flee the situation. The anxiety becomes all consuming and when this happens certain functions in the body stop working – on a sex level ejaculation control.
Fight anxiety – when men experience fight anxiety – they want to stay and fight with the anxiety. They focus all their energy on trying to “control” the anxiety, trying to “control” their thoughts. This of course results in early ejaculation because the body’s focus is fighting the anxiety once again certain functions in the body stop working – ejaculation control.
So how do you break this cycle of premature ejaculation and the flight and fight response? Here I share 5 steps you can take now to break this cycle.
Step 1 – Slow your breathing
This may seem obvious but in the heat of the moment you most likely forget. When you feel anxious, this increases your breathing, which increases your heart rate when then sends a message to your brain that something is happening – which causes even more anxiety and adrenalin because your body starts to prepare to fight or flight.
Practice now – slowing breathing in. Pause. Slowly breathing out. Pause. Do this a few few more times. Even practice it as you go about your day.
Step 2 – Fixed mindset
Your fixed mindset (e.g. the belief that you can’t change, the belief that premature ejaculation will always happen etc) keeps you stuck in this unwanted place. What you think you become. Begin to practice stepping into the growth mindset. The growth mindset learns from failure. It sees it as an opportunity to learn, to grow and to create change by taking growth mindset action.
Step 3 – you are not your thoughts
What are your thoughts telling you? That you will ejaculate too soon? It will happen again? You can’t please your partner? Here’s the thing – even though it may feel like it – your thoughts are not real. They are not a part of you. They are not a part of who you are as a man. The third step is to accept your thoughts. For when you accept them they gradually lose their power over you.
Step 4 – check your focus
Men who experience premature ejaculation anxiety often focus on their penis and groin area. I call this the hyper-focus. Because the hyper focus is so intense all the energy is place in one area of your body which increases hyper sensitivity and high arousal. Bring your focus to the whole of your body – not just your penis. To practice this as you go about your day bring your awareness to your feet. Feel grounded.
Step 5 – stop trying to please your partner
Men often feel anxious and a failure if they can’t sexually please their partner. They try too hard, the anxiety increases and it’s happened again. This causes you to be disconnected and not present – and I am sure you partner most likely picks up on this. Focus on connecting with your partner and being present with her.
If you would like help to last longer in bed visit this page: premature ejaculation and last longer in bed.
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