In my private hypnotherapy and coaching practice one of the most common areas men come to see me for is sexual performance anxiety.
They worry about how long they will last, will they get an erection, ejaculate to soon or worried about pleasing their partner/making her orgasm. Whether it's in a new relationships or a long-standing one sexual anxiety limits the fun, enjoyment and pleasure of sex.
Sexual performance anxiety is often all consuming - impacting your mind, body and penis. It restricts and limits your sexual performance because your energy is focused on anxiety.
This article for both men and women alike. Men - know that you are not alone when you experience sexual anxiety. It may not be openly discussed, but it impacts many men and help is available to solve this. Women - it's so important you understand that men also have fears, anxiety and feel vulnerable with sex. Be supportive and give them the space they need to work through this without any pressure.
1. Sexual performance anxiety caused by sexual dysfunction
Working with hundreds of men over the years who experience delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, I have personally witnessed the impact sexual issues has on their lives, relationships, masculinity and even work performance. When a man is not able to perform due to sexual dysfunction it has a huge impact at the core of him, he feels deeply embarrassed, ashamed and even humiliated - this causes sexual performance anxiety which often dominates his thoughts constantly.
2. Anxious about pleasing your partner
A man's identity is closed linked to his sexual identity and if men worry they are not able to sexually please their partner this will often cause high levels of anxiety. As a result, men put more pressure on themselves to perform better, and this causes the cycle of sexual anxiety that they are not good enough or worry their partner may leave them.
3. Anxious mindset
It's so very hard to enjoy sex when your thoughts and mindset get in the way. "Is my partner enjoying this", "Am I going to lose my erection?", or "Will I ejaculate too soon?" Often men who experience sexual anxiety have what we call a fixed, critical or judgement mindset. They focus on failing before it has even happened. When you are preoccupied with failing and focussed too much on your thoughts it is so very difficult to enjoy sex and be connected with your partner, and this causes inmore anxiety.
4. Penis size and shame
A man's penis is linked to his male identity and if he feels his penis isn't adequate to please his partner, or a new partner will laugh at his penis size this causes sexual anxiety. According to a 2008 study in the Journal of Health Psychology men's anxiety about penis size are top of their list alongside weight and height. The anxiety and shame about penis size can impact a man in many areas of his life - many will not even start a new relationship, worry they are not able to please their partners sexually, causes performance anxiety and how he sees himself as a man and impacts his confidence levels.
5. Men, sex and vulnerability
Sexual performance anxiety for men can be so isolating because he often will not discuss what he is feeling with his partner for fear of appearing weak or not a man. They are afraid to let their partner see this vulnerable side. Yet, the key to a deeper, intimate and more connected sex is in vulnerability.
6. Sex and a new partner
The first time a couple has sex together is often a very vulnerable experience for both of them. As they begin to open their hearts to each other it deepens and brings a new level of intimacy. However, for some men this can bring high levels of anxiety especially if they deeply care for their partner and see a possible long term relationship. They worry they will not please her or not able to perform. Even putting on a condom can be anxiety provoking.
How to truly overcome sexual performance anxiety
The path to overcoming sexual performance anxiety is also a personal journey of your strengths, what you need to develop, and where you need to grow.
Each man's journey and path is unique, some need more help with their mindset and thoughts, others about fears and anxiety, and for others it's about working through a sexual issues, or how they deal with their partner's lack of support.
If you need help to overcome sexual anxiety you are welcome to contact me and let's have a conversation and discuss how I can help you to say goodbye to performance anxiety and welcome into your mind, body and heart an opportunity for better sex and a calmer mind and body.
Men's sexual issues hit deep in a man's psyche, identity level of who they are as a man, their masculinity and sexual confidence.
Men can often feel so very alone, find it difficult to talk about and often ignore the sexual issue. They do not want to get caught up in the cycle of anxious thoughts, limiting beliefs, disempowered mindset or fears which then leads to a frustrated sexual performance. Yet they do not know who to move to pass this.
Here are my top 5 tips for overcoming sexual dysfunction so you can last longer in bed.
Step 1 - Stop focusing on what you don't want
It's very easy, on a conscious or subconscious level, to focus on what you don’t have yet or don’t want. Such as - I’m going to lose my erection. I’m not going to please my partner. I’m going to ejaculate too quickly.
This thinking style quickly escalates into thought loops – which is when the thoughts go round and round without an exit point or any form of resolution. A thought loop may go something like: "I feel like sex tonight. But I can’t because I will come too quickly. I don’t feel like a man. I won’t be able to sexually please my partner. I am going to fail. My partner will leave me".
ACTION: When you find yourself thinking of what you don’t want – simply shift your awareness, attention and focus to what you do want. My suggestion is to do this without any judgement or pressure on yourself – as this holds you back.
Albert Einstein said we can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them
Step 2 - Get outside of your comfort zone
If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got! If you want a better sex life and last longer in bed it's important you step just outside of your comfort zone and by that I mean that you are willing to take risks, to initiate sex and stop allowing sex to be the elephant in the room.
Action: Stop allowing fear to dominate your sexual actions. Take small steps towards change and towards the edge of your comfort zone
Step 3 - Stop beating yourself up
Many of my clients tend to beat themselves up when they encounter sexual issues, and if things don't go the way they wanted or expected sexual. They align what happened with their identity as a man.
Perhaps you notice that you start judging yourself and then mentally and emotionally start to beat yourself up – you start to get annoyed, angry and frustration and then bump into more fears and insecurities - and this creates the anxiety cycle.
This cycle of beating yourself up, judging and sexual anxiety keeps you stuck.
Action: Begin to notice when you beat yourself up, when you get addicted to over thinking and are over analysing. When it happens ask yourself it is helpful to beat myself up? I wonder how it would make a difference if you were more forgiving and accepting of yourself?
Step 4 - Learn how to be more present and connected during sex
Perhaps you get so caught up in being a good lover, giving your partner an orgasm and being able to perform, focus on what your penis is doing and worrying about lasting longer in bed that you actually forget how to be present and connected during sex and with your partner.
Men often think the power of sex comes from their performance first. Of course this matters and makes a difference but it’s not the most important thing. The first important aspect is your presence.
Action: Being present is about being present with yourself – being connected to yourself, being whole. Practice bringing your awareness to the here and now. When your thoughts being to wander - bring your awareness to you in-breath and out-breath.
This video can help you to stop being so hyper-focussed on what is happening with your penis and allow yourself to be more connected and present during sex.
Step 5 - Trust your ability to create change
Don King said “Confidence comes not from knowing you know everything but from knowing you can handle what comes up.
Don’t worry if you are not where you want to be right at the moment in time – be confident in your potential. You were born with an amazing amount of skills, strengths and resources – learn to tap into them and use them.
Action: Stop focusing on what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future. Focus on the outcome you want and the solution. Think of all the situations you have improved - you did that because you have an amazing amount of skills, strengths and resources - learn how to utilise them to help you resolve your sexual issues.
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist and Confidence Coach and works with executives to overcome male sexual issues.
Appointments for London hypnotherapy are in London Harley Street and also through Skype.
To work with Linda and discover how she can help you last longer in bed call 075 3421 3557.
Premature ejaculation for men has a detrimental impact on so many areas of their life and relationships. It truly can cause high level of sexual anxiety and sexual frustration for some men.
Yet many men experience many years of unsatisfactory sex hoping the issue will go away by itself. For many it won't.
Because premature ejaculation is caused by many factors, and these of course vary from men to men. From early conditioned, porn induced premature ejaculation, anxiety, mindset and thoughts.
In this short video I share the 4 pillars of success to last longer in bed.
1st Pillar of success: Created a powerful mindset, beliefs and thoughts.
2nd Pillar of success: Feel calmer (Reducing anxiety and fear)
3rd Pillar of success: Create sexual confidence
4th Pillar of success: Retrain your body, penis.
So many men struggle unnecessarily for years with premature ejaculation. Help is available so help you take control back to last longer in bed.
Linda is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist and helps men recover from sexual dysfunction (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and sexual anxiety) so they can last longer in bed and enjoy better sex!
Appointments in London Harley Street, Bath and Skype.
Who are you really?
I know it's a big topic and for many they simply do not know how to answer.
Are you your fears, anxiety or dysfunctional behaviours?
Perhaps you try to hide from these by creating a mask or a persona - so you try to act more confident, happier or successful.
You invest your energy into something that isn't real or serving you and it's also hard to keep up!
When I stopped trying to be someone I wasn't, accepted and love the human part of me that experiences emotions, feelings and thoughts a whole new world opened up for me. And it can for you.
Men who try to be more masculine without embracing their vulnerabilities, emotions and feelings. Women who try to be more confident without tapping into their inner skills and resources. They do this because they fear others will "find out" about them.
There is another way to live your life - dare to you!
Linda Connors is a coach and hypnotherapist dedicated to help re-discover who they are, connect with their heart and experience more meaningful happiness, love and success.
I would love to hear from you - call 075 3421 3557 and let's talk about your life, your goals, dreams and what changes you are ready to commit to.