From the men I have worked with I have seen first hand how porn addiction is having a detrimental effect on men's lives - work is suffering, sex life becomes boring as they need more extreme ways to get turned on, relationships and intimacy are at a low and it can take longer to ejaculate with their sexual partner.
The differences between watching porn and having physical sex on your mind, body and heart are worlds apart. Porn addiction causes disconnection and real physical sex causes a deeper connection and intimacy between two people.
According to research just watching 5 hours of porn changes the brain and influences sexual beliefs and attitudes towards women. As porn becomes the norm many men do not even realise this impact and how many of their lives suffer.
Is there any place for porn in a relationship?
Absolutely! Porn (with boundaries) can be a fun way to introduce new games into a couple's sex life and bring a new dimension. It's about the intention and the connection between the two people and how porn can support them on their intimacy, passionate and fun journey together - as opposed to someone who is addicted to porn and becomes isolated and alone.
If you constantly watch porn alone it begins to build a large gap between yourself and those around them. It takes your energy, focus and sexual desire and manifests it in a way which isn't real, connected or from a place of intimacy.
About Linda Connors
Linda is a Porn Addiction Therapist in London Harley Street and Skype and helps professional men stop watching porn and reconnect to life, relationships and sex.
If you are needing help now get in touch by clicking here.
I wish my very best for you.
If you suffer wtih sexual performance anxiety you know there is nothing more frustrating than worrying about your performance. It holds you back and has a massive impact on your sex life, how you feel as a man or women, levels of intimacy and connection in the relationship and your enjoyment of sex.
Men who experience sexual performance anxiety tend to focus on their performance, worry they won't please their partner, if they will ejaculation too soon or lose their erection. As a result, they experience high levels of stress and anxiety and are not able to enjoy the sexual experience because they are too focussed on their performance and anxiety.
Women tend to worry about how they look, distracted by their to-do lists, and how tired they will get. Many women also feel very anxious that sex will be painful, hurt or they can't let go to orgasm. As a result, they don't enjoy sex, are not entirely present, and some avoid having sex with their partner.
The main driving force of performance anxiety is the fear of what others will think of you if you fail to perform or live up to their expectations. You may fear your partner stops being sexually attractive to you, will leave, have an affair or stop seeing you as "real man" or "real women".
Sexual Performance Anxiety and worrying about performing badly in bed also creates a disconnection during sex. When you focus on performance it is tough to be 100% present with your partner, unite as a couple, be sexually confident, and enjoy sex as it blocks love, intimacy and connection.
I want to share with you a great three-minute video on the fear of performing badly in bed and what it takes to be a good partner. It's quite general but still worth while watching.
You are invited to the watch video and be aware of your own inner sexual fears and how you can turn these around to focus on how to enjoy sex to your full potential with passion, connection and fulfilment.
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist with a private clinic in London Harley Street, Bath and also works online with Skype. She works with one to one with men, women and couples to resolve sexual issues and enhance their sex life with confidence, love, connection and enjoyment.
You can start having a better sex life today - the first step is to call Linda on 075 3421 3557.
As a Sex Hypnotherapist, one of the areas that men contact me for is sexual performance anxiety which has an enormous impact on their life, relationship and how they see themselves as a man. Sex for men is often a huge part of their male identity, masculinity and how they express themselves to the world which is why is can also cause high levels of performance anxiety.
Sex is a beautiful expression of relationships, pleasure, and connection. It's very hard to enjoy sex when sexual anxiety blocks the freedom to enjoy sex, connect with their partner and feel sexually complete. It can feel so isolating for a man during sex - he focusses on tying to keep it together sexually with his attention on his thoughts, anxiety and what his penis is doing and hiding this all from his partner.
I wanted to share with you the six reasons why men experience sexual performance anxiety. This article for both men and women alike. Men - know that you are not alone when you experience sexual anxiety. It may not be openly discussed, but it impacts many men and help is available to solve this. Women - it's so important you understand that men also have fears, anxiety and feel vulnerable with sex. Be supportive and give them the space they need to work through this without any pressure.
1. Sexual performance anxiety caused by sexual dysfunction
Working with hundreds of men over the years who experience delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, I have personally witnessed the impact sexual issues has on their lives, relationships, masculinity and even work performance. When a man is not able to perform due to sexual dysfunction it has a huge impact at the core of him, he feels deeply embarrassed, ashamed and even humiliated - this causes sexual performance anxiety which often dominates his thoughts constantly.
2. worrying about pleasing his partner
A man's identity is closed linked to his sexual identity and if men worry they are not able to sexually please their partner this will often cause high levels of anxiety. As a result, men put more pressure on themselves to perform better, and this causes the cycle of sexual anxiety that they are not good enough or worry their partner may leave them.
3. mindset and sexual anxiety
It's so very hard to enjoy sex when your thoughts and mindset get in the way. "Is my partner enjoying this", "Am I going to lose my erection?", or "Will I ejaculate too soon?" Often men who experience sexual anxiety have what we call a fixed, critical or judgement mindset. They focus on failing before it has even happened. When you are preoccupied with failing and focussed too much on your thoughts it is so very difficult to enjoy sex and be connected with your partner, and this causes more anxiety.
4. Penis size and shame
A man's penis is linked to his male identity and if he feels his penis isn't adequate to please his partner, or a new partner will laugh at his penis size this causes sexual anxiety. According to a 2008 study in the Journal of Health Psychology men's anxiety about penis size are top of their list alongside weight and height. The anxiety and shame about penis size can impact a man in many areas of his life - many will not even start a new relationship, worry they are not able to please their partners sexually, causes performance anxiety and how he sees himself as a man and impacts his confidence levels.
5. Men, sex and vulnerability
Sexual performance anxiety for men can be so isolating because he often will not discuss what he is feeling with his partner for fear of appearing weak or not a man. They are afraid to let their partner see this vulnerable side to them. Yet, the key to a deeper, intimate and more connected sex is in vulnerability.
6. Sex and a new partner
The first time a couple has sex together is often a very vulnerable experience for both of them. As they begin to open their hearts to each other it deepens and brings a new level of intimacy. However, for some men this can bring high levels of anxiety especially if they deeply care for their partner. They worry they will not please her or not able to perform. Even putting on a condom can be anxiety provoking. As the relationship continues and they begin to feel more secure in the relationship the anxiety naturally fades away.
As a sex hypnotherapist and relationship coach I have worked with many successful men - CEOs, leaders in their companies, business owners, public figures and entrepreneurs and I have seen first hand how sexual issues impact them on a physical, emotional, spiritual and mental level. Very often these men do not realise the real extent until we work together and resolve the sexual issue - as it is then they notice how they step back up in the world with a new found inner confidence, strength, masculinity and inner power and this has a direct positive impact in their work, communication, and leadership as well as in the bedroom!
For many men, the weight of carrying sexual issues (from premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and delayed ejaculation) rests heavy in their being. Often they feel deeply ashamed, embarrassed and try to hide it or refuse to talk openly about it with their partner. I have worked with men who are too anxious that they will not even consider starting a relationship as they fear how weak he will look if he can't sexually perform.
Men's sexual issues and dysfunctions have a devastating consequence on their lives, male identity, emotional and physical well-being. Today will I share the truth and reality that many men experience in their lives as a result of experiencing sexual performance issues.
Men's sexual issues and confidence
Sexual issues often cause men's confidence to skydive. For many men they see their roles in a sexual relationship as core as the focus is to please their partner sexually. If this doesn't happen or the partner is not sympathetic to what is happening (some women can be very cruel and brutal to their partners when he suffers from sexual issues) his confidence decreases. Often sexual anxiety replaces sexual confidence and then he begins to lose faith, trust and belief in himself. Sex becomes a focus of anxiety and pressure to perform and this causes a disconnection from his mind, body, and heart.
Men's sexual issues and masculinity
Sexual performance is essential to the male masculinity. In a time when women often no longer need men in the way we did hundreds and thousands of years before - women can now enter into high profile jobs, be financially independent, and even become pregnant without a male partner. So many men focus on sexually pleasing his partner - that is his intimate gift to her. When sexual issues get in the way he often feels emasculated and very much less of a man. This loss of masculine energy also has a direct influence on many other areas of his life - from work, confidence, leadership and communication.
Men's sexual issues and leadership
When who you are sexually is in conflict with the rest of you and your male identity (e.g., can’t get an erection, or ejaculate too soon) and perhaps you hold a senior role at work which involves leadership this impacts you on a deep conscious or unconscious level. It can change the way you lead others, deal with conflicts and communication authentically. Some men become more aggressive to hide what is happening other men tend to take a step back. It creates anxiety and fear about performance – not lonely in the bedroom but for some men in other areas of their life including leadership.
As one of my male client’s said “when I was leading a large team I wasn't authentic. I was terrified someone would find out about my weakness which was the sexual issues and the lack of my manhood. So I overcompensated and behaved more aggressively and confident which was verging on the tip of arrogance. When I resolved the sexual dysfunction I became a better leader and naturally confident”.
Men's sexual issues and communication
Following on from leadership, we move into how men's sexual issues impact how they communicate. Many of the men I have worked with, discovered that as their sexual confidence and ability increases their communication skills improves. They are more direct and more confident to deal with conflicts and issues within work team dynamics. They didn't notice they were hiding or stepping back from conflict or challenging group dynamics until after their sex life improved and they began to notice how naturally more willing they are to step up in all areas of communication and team dynamics.
Men's sexual issues and relationships
Relationships are essential to our emotional and physical well-being and intimacy is the glue which connects two people in ways other experiences can't. When sexual issues interfere with a couple's sex life it can either make or break them. The couple either comes together as a team to work through it or disconnect from each other and the sexual issue becomes the elephant in the room. For some men they may take a back seat in their relationships as they feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed they are not able to sexually perform.
Single men who experience sexual issues often feel anxious about starting a new relationship. Some of my clients even refused to look or talk to women in case it lead to sex as they felt so embarrassed and emasculated about the sexual issues. So they lived a lonely and very much disconnected life until they contacted me and we started working together and often within a few weeks they are dating again.
In my next blog I am going to share with you how to resolve sexual issues and be a better lover. I am very excited to share this with you!
If you know any men with sexual issues, or your partner experiences sexual issues please share this article with them. Let me know that them are not alone, that in fact many men experience sexual issues and that there is help available.
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors specialises men's sexual issues hypnotherapy and helps to not only resolve the sexual issue but reengage with life with more confidence, improved leadership skills, and more connected with their mind, body and heart. To find out more please visit men's sexual issues or call 075 3431 3557 for a confidential conversation.
Sex and intimacy is what makes us human. Beyond the primal urges it is something that unites, connects and bonds two people together in ways other ways can't. Yet many, especially men, are plagued by sexual performance anxiety. They worry about their performance, if they are good enough, if they can match up to previous partners and worry about sexually pleasing their partner.
Sex between two people is raw, vulnerable, intimate, physical, heart-felt and for many spiritual as well. We meet each other in the rawness of our humanity. Many men and women are afraid of this. They are afraid to fully show up and allow the other to really see them. They experience sex from a place of fear and anxiety rather than a place of connection and love. Men focus on performance and failing and women are not able to fully let go on a physical and emotional level.
Here are 7 simple yet very powerful steps in learning how to move beyond sexual performance anxiety and into a place of connection, love, passion, and sexual enjoyment.
Step 1 - Acknowledging sexual performance anxiety
So many people try to fight sexual performance anxiety. They argue with it. Give in to it. Try to push it aside. They get stuck in their fixed, judgement and critical mindset. All of this action leads to more anxiety about sex. They focus on anxiety rather than the pleasure of sex or connection with their partner. The first step to dealing with sexual performance anxiety is simply acknowledging you are experiencing it. It may sound very simple but it is a very important step. By acknowledging the sexual anxiety you begin to let go of the energy to control it and push it away. You then have space within to focus on moving forward, resolving the sexual anxiety and the ability to enjoy sex once again
Step 2 - Focus on breathing
The second step is to focus on your breathing. This may feel mechanical at first, but keep going with it as it will soon feel natural and become an unconscious action. Focus on your in-breath and out-breath. Imagine you are breathing in calmness and letting go on the out-breath. Your breath is the anchor into calmness and being grounded. If your breath is shallow or too fast paced due to the anxiety this will only increase the level of anxiety you are feeling. The breath also helps you to get out of your mind and into your body.
Step 3 - Connect to mind, body and heart
Men and women both feel sexual performance anxious but it manifests in different ways which leads to a disconnection of mind, body and heart. Men and women tend to focus on four things when experiencing sexual anxiety:
This process disconnects the individual from their whole body. Men do not just experience sex with your mind and penis - it is a whole body experience of your mind, body and heart. When you learn how to connect with all of you the anxiety lessens and reduces as you are connected with all of your being rather than the aspects which are dysfunctional.
So many women are disconnected from their vagina - there is a lot of shame around this intimate part of them. When they learn to connect with all of their feminine body - mind, body and heart they begin to enjoy and be present with sex on a whole new connected level.
Being sexually connected to your mind, body and heart brings a new dimension of sexual enjoyment, pleasure and joy into the bedroom and sex life.
Step 4 - It's okay to be vulnerable
Many men and women fear being vulnerable. Men fear it because they think it will make them weak and they also fear rejection. Women fear it because they fear getting hurt and fear rejection. The gift of being vulnerable adds depth, strength and connection to relationships and sex. It allows the other to experience you as you are without any masks. Take smalls steps towards opening up with your vulnerability - allow your partner to see you in a new way and new light.
Step 5 - Communication is the key
To being vulnerable brings us to the power and key of communication. Men especially fear talking about their sexual insecurities and sexual performance anxiety. The lack of communication and open discussion brings more pressure to get it "right" and this simply adds to more anxiety. To be vulnerable also means to be open to communicate with your partner and share your fears and anxieties. This often leads to an inner relaxation and letting go of the inner pressures. Begin to open the door way to open and honest communication with your partner.
Step 6 - Sexual confidence
Many think that two opposite emotions and feelings can not exist together. So it is either sexual anxiety or sexual confidence. Sexual anxiety can co-exist with sexual confidence. So focus on confidence. Don't just think about confidence - begin to embody and feel it in your body and heart. Sexual confidence allows you to be comfortable in your own skin and to express yourself sexually in the way you want to. Focus on naturally building and developing your inner resources and sexual confidence and your sexual experiences will be enhanced.
Step 7 - Connection to sexual energy
Sexual energy is such an important part of your sexual life. Many men disconnect from their masculinity because of sexual anxiety or a sexual problem. They feel less of a man as they they worry they can't please their partner. Women often also disconnect from their sexual energy and feminine energy. Learning how to reconnect and bring forth this sexual energy brings a new level of intimacy, fun, passion and enjoyment in your sex life. It helps to remove the masks of fear and anxiety. it allows you to tap into your mind, body and heart in a powerful, natural and connected way.
Do you experience Sexual Performance Anxiety?
If you experience sexual performance anxiety rest assured you are not alone. It is a common fear for so many men and women. The steps above will support you to moving beyond sexual anxiety into sexual confidence - if you do want expert help please do contact me. My details are below.
If your partner or someone who you know experiences sexual performance anxiety please do share this article with them.
Linda Connors is a Sex Hypnotherapist specialising in sexual performance anxiety and sexual issues. She works with men,women and couples in London Harley Street and online Skype. To speak with Linda or to find out how you can work with her please call 075 3421 3557.
I have lost count of the number of times a client has said to me "I tried sex therapy but all they wanted to talk about was my childhood". The sessions didn't go anywhere and the client made no steps forward.
Traditional Sex Therapy focusses on the past - and although some answers may live there - it doesn't help the client in the here and now. Sometimes we do need to return back to the past to learn, create awareness and understanding, to heal and bring that back into the present day allows a new way forward. But during the therapeutic process the skill is knowing when to move on and return back to the present with your client.
There has been great advancement in sex therapy over the years and it's slowly becoming more holistic (working with the mind, body and heart).
My wish is that sex therapy is modernised. To bring it in alignment with today's world. So many people are disconnected from themselves, body and heart the traditional sex therapy methods are not always applicable in this day and age.
People want to be more connected to themselves and their sexual partner, to tap into their sexual potential, their sexual energy and essence, to feel more, to align their mind, body and heart and they want a process which enables them to do this. Just talking about this is not enough - as it doesn't engage the body or heart.
Change and transformation can happen much quicker than people think. I have witnessed this in myself and my clients. Life long sexual dysfunction and issues resolved within 2-6 sessions. That's because I have dedicated my life to learning from the best, researching sexual potential, masculinity and femininity. I teach my clients not only to think differently but also to embody and embed the changes they make in their body and heart.
Hopefully traditional Sex Therapy will catch up to the needs of men and women who want to transform their sex life.
Our sexual identity is complex. Both men and women carry baggage from social and culture beliefs, childhood experiences and trauma, mind-set and thoughts, anxiety and fear and our internal programming.
As humans beings we experience life on many different levels and this includes sex - through our mind, body, heart and spirit.
Men and women sexuality are both different and need to be addressed and worked on differently. When men and women experience sexual issues they often get stuck on one or two of the levels - and sex becomes unbalanced and confidence, fulfilment and enjoyment are reduced.
When men experiences sexual issues (erection issues, early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation or sexual anxiety) often get stuck in their thoughts. Thoughts such as I won't be able to perform. I can't please my partner. She is going to leave me. They focus on their thoughts and what their penis is or isn't doing - and disconnect from their partner. The anxiety in the body can feel very strong and contribute to the sexual issues. This has a direct impact their sexual performance, sexual confidence, male identity and masculinity.
When women experiences sexual issues (Vaginismus, orgasm issues, low sex drive, low sexual confidence/anxiety) the levels of mind, body and heart are impacted. Their thoughts may include I won't be able to have sex. I can't orgasm. It's going to hurt. The female body can find it difficult to let go, relax or be open on a physical level especially if they fear sex or feel like they are missing out on something.. Some women feel very vulnerable opening their hearts based upon trust issues, low self esteem and fear. This has a direct impact on how women feel about themselves, their relationship with their body and vagina, sexual confidence and femininity.
Alignment of mind, body, heart and spirit (masculinity / femininity)
As a result - both men and women's experience of sex is often unbalanced and they don't enjoy or feel fulfilled because of this.
This is why it's fundamental when addressing your sexual issues and creating change it's so important to working with the levels of mind, body, heart and spirit. To bring balance to each part of the aspects of you who are. To align this with your goals, aspirations, sexual energy, masculine / feminine energy, hopes and desires as well as creating solutions for the sexual issues.
Working with Men who experience sexual issues
Who we are sexually had a direct influence over our life - and that includes how leaders lead others. If men experience sexual issues this has a knock off effect on their sense of masculinity and male identity - which then influences who they are as leaders.
Male sexual issues and the impact upon their leadership style, communication and skills is an areas which hasn't been researched, understood or even discussed at all.
Many of my clients are leaders in their organisation. They appear confident. Yet underneath they are carrya large secret - they can not perform sexually - either through sexual anxiety, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. It feels like a weight on their shoulders - a heavy burden that they are inadequate, and for some feel a sense of loss of male identity.
They carry this within them in their inner world and it indirectly has a influence on their leadership style and skills. I was reading Harvard Business Review - 10 most reads on managing yourself. In this book they discuss the impact of a leaders emotional style - it's an area which is most often dismissed of any importance (especially here in the UK) but who we are emotionally has influence and impact on the people we meet, communicate with and how we lead others.
Who we are sexually also has a direct influence in our life - as sex is an important part of who we are as human beings and is connected to our emotional, physical and intimate well-being. Some of my clients share with me that they find it difficult to manage conflict effectively, they may have an increase in anxiety and stress at work are not able to fully access their masculine qualities - strength, inner powerful, decision making and focus - which contributes to how well they lead themselves and others.
In my experience and direct reporting from my clients is this: When the sexual issue is resolved the anxiety and stress reduces significantly or is eliminated. They begin to show up more fully at work and their leadership style and skills become more aligned with who they truly are as men. Dealing with conflicts, communications and leading becomes second nature. They feel calmer and more in control within themselves. They become the leaders they were born to be.
To speak to Linda or to book an appointment please call +44 (0) 75 3421 3557.
We are entering a time where many boys, teenagers and men are confused about what it means to be a man. Years ago there were rites and rituals which supporting the teenager into become a man. It was an important time in a teenagers life - he was supported by role models of older men around him - who guided him during the transformation from boy to man.
What is it to be a man?
Have you ever asked yourself this question? What it means to be a man?
The role of the man was once to protect, pro-create and provide. We are in a time where women have as much rights and women and are gradually earning the same as men. On one level women no longer need to be provided or protected for. On another level some women still yearn for this - even though they are capable of doing this for themselves.
Many of today's teenagers and young access have direct access to porn - and this is having an impact on how theses young people view themselves, sex and women. They have a warped view of masculinity based upon domination and power.
What does it mean to be a man? How do you use your strength, leaderships, inner power and abilities for your own good, family, work and society good?
How men can strengthen their masculinity
Men's time - In our would of busyness - many men have forgotten the importance and need to have men's time with their friends. Partner's, families, and work take so much time and there is little left. Priotise your time and when needed dedicated to having time and fun with your male friends - without a female in sight!
Strengthen and develop your abilities - assertiveness, direction, direction, masculine energy, solution focussed, decision makers, motivation. If for whatever reason your current job will not allow you to develop these areas get some outside interests which will. Rock climbing, hiking, rowing, men's groups, etc.
Let go of the fear of the macho masculinity image - Some of male clients are worried about stepping into their full masculine energy - that they may appear macho, dominate and too powerful. That's not masculine - that's about control!
Purpose - Your purpose in life is an important aspect of how you are as a man. Focus on it and live it each day. When you lose your way return back to your purpose to refocus on your life.
The world is waiting for you to step up - our society is waiting for you to step up. In a time where we are do not have strong leaders - we are waiting for you. To be directive, strong, make decisions, and lead - from a place of heart rather than ego.
How to lean into your edge as a man
To grow into your masculinity it's vital that you step out of your comfort zone and lean into you edge - that which may feel uncomfortable, difficult or hard. Do this constantly. You feel unsure, lose your confidence, or fear but keep going. Fear is simply a sign you are stepping out of the comfort zone.
By leaning into your edge you challenge yourself - this is important for growth and development.
Find out more
To find out more about Linda's work with male sexual issues and masculinity call +44 (0) 753 421 3557. Sessions are available through Skype, London Harley Street and Skype.
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London Hypnotherapy in Harley Street and Bath in Somerset. Online Skype Hypnotherapy, Hypnotherapy and Confidence Coaching are available across the UK and Channel Island (Jersey and Guernsey), Europe, America (USA), Australia, Africa and United Arab Emirates (Dubai and Abu Dhabi)
Linda Connors Hypnotherapist and Coach
1-7 Harley Street
SPEAK TO LINDA:
Mobile: 075 3421 3557
Landline: 0207 164 6247