Articles and writing with Linda Connors
If you suffer wtih sexual performance anxiety you know there is nothing more frustrating than worrying about your performance. It holds you back and has a massive impact on your sex life, how you feel as a man or women, levels of intimacy and connection in the relationship and your enjoyment of sex.
Men who experience sexual performance anxiety tend to focus on their performance, worry they won't please their partner, if they will ejaculation too soon or lose their erection. As a result, they experience high levels of stress and anxiety and are not able to enjoy the sexual experience because they are too focussed on their performance and anxiety.
Women tend to worry about how they look, distracted by their to-do lists, and how tired they will get. Many women also feel very anxious that sex will be painful, hurt or they can't let go to orgasm. As a result, they don't enjoy sex, are not entirely present, and some avoid having sex with their partner.
The main driving force of performance anxiety is the fear of what others will think of you if you fail to perform or live up to their expectations. You may fear your partner stops being sexually attractive to you, will leave, have an affair or stop seeing you as "real man" or "real women".
Sexual Performance Anxiety and worrying about performing badly in bed also creates a disconnection during sex. When you focus on performance it is tough to be 100% present with your partner, unite as a couple, be sexually confident, and enjoy sex as it blocks love, intimacy and connection.
I want to share with you a great three-minute video on the fear of performing badly in bed and what it takes to be a good partner. It's quite general but still worth while watching.
You are invited to the watch video and be aware of your own inner sexual fears and how you can turn these around to focus on how to enjoy sex to your full potential with passion, connection and fulfilment.
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist with a private clinic in London Harley Street, Bath and also works online with Skype. She works with one to one with men, women and couples to resolve sexual issues and enhance their sex life with confidence, love, connection and enjoyment.
You can start having a better sex life today - the first step is to call Linda on 075 3421 3557.
Sexual intimacy is such a natural, integral and core part of adult life and human relationships because it helps to reinforce the physical connection and emotional bond with your partner. It brings an added depth, connection, deeper love and togetherness in a relationship. However in this day and age of sexual freedom, disconnection and tinder many are forgetting the art of intimacy and sex.
Many bypass intimacy and often go straight to sex before they even get to know each other. Alcohol is used to get sexual confidence, and this brings further disconnection. Past relationships, fears, anxiety and past trauma can all block real intimacy in a relationship. For some couples, maintaining closeness and a healthy sex life can be difficult in modern life, and it is often pushed down on the priority list due to family commitments, work stress, mismatched sex drives, and becoming new parents can all get in the way.
Intimacy is the path to deeper connection, love and depth
Intimacy is the breath of emotional, spiritual and intellectual connection. It is the heart of a strong, healthy and loving relationship as it allows you to know someone deeply from a place of love and connection as you become completely free and open with your partner.
Sex in a loving relationship should be the physical embodiment of intimacy. It should come from a place of love and connection rather than fear, anxiety, judgement and disconnection. Sex and intimacy are a natural cycle of love and connection: Sex builds intimacy and intimacy builds sex.
Sex without any intimacy or emotional connection is like dancing without music
Many are afraid of real intimacy as it feels too vulnerable and raw to allow themselves to open their heart and be fully seen by another. People hide behind self-made masks and are afraid to speak openly and honestly about their heart's desires. Men hide behind performance and women hide behind their thoughts and disconnection from their body during sex. Many are afraid to love freely and to be loved openly.
When a couple comes together to have sex, and intimacy is missing, it is often a mechanical act, and they are disconnected as it becomes a one-dimensional experience as each person tends to focus on their own physical pleasure, performance and sexual release.
The importance of sex and emotional engagement in relationships
Sex in relationships is important because sex is a bonding behaviour and it brings a couple closer in ways other methods can't. Sexual intimacy gives space of deeper emotional connection, heart opening and intimacy. Sexual intimacy creates a multi-level experience which encompasses each and every part of you - your mind, body, heart and spirit.
Emotional engagement and sexual intimacy in relationships enriches your life, allows your mind, body and heart to expand and you experience deeper and more meaningful relationships. When you have a successful, loving and intimate home life your transforms: you become a stronger leader at work, you have more energy and focus to succeed, and feel much more fulfilled and satisfied as you work towards your goals and real happiness.
How to move forward in your relationship with sexual intimacy and emotional engagement
If you are ready to create profound changes in your relationship you need to break down some of the old programming and old ways of being. You need to step into a place of freedom to allow yourself to be fully seen, and also allow your partner to do the same - without any judgements. You need to learn how to be vulnerable as you follow this new path. You need to get out of your head and back into your home of your body and heart.
"When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.” John O'Donohue
About Linda Connors
Linda Connors is a hypnotherapist and coach providing Intimacy Therapy Programme for men, women and couples let go of fear and embrace their mind, body and hearts to experience deeper levels of sexual intimacy.
Start building a better intimate sex life today by calling Linda on 075 3421 3557.
We all carry wounds within our inner world from childhood and earlier years. Some of these wounds are open and painful, and others are quiet and contained. The wound for abandonment is one of the most common fears, and it manifests in many different ways in relationships and life.
To counteract the fear of abandonment people often create unconscious strategies to cope with relationships and life. For me, the fear of abandonment was a large part of my life. A lot of my childhood I was very alone, even when sick, and had to learn how to be fully independent from a very young age. So I became a survivor and discovered how to rely on myself rather than being dependent on others. I was fiercely independent and wore this badge with pride but this caused separation and disconnection.
When I look at my past relationships in my twenties to my mid-thirties, I had one foot in the relationship and the other foot out. I choose partners who were unsuitable for me and also had commitment issues and decided something had to change. Change is scary, but it was worth it. Learning how to open my heart after it was so guarded for so long and letting go of some of my self-made independence was tough, but relationships are based upon togetherness and not separation or detachment.
I am still independent to some degrees, and it allows me to focus on my vision and goals in life and also the shared goals and vision in our relationships. What is different is that this independence no longer blocks love in my relationship for it creates a deeper connect, love, intimacy and togetherness.
I have put together five signs that the fear abandonment is affecting your relationship and remember that this fear can manifest in so many ways. For some, it is loud and puts up walls, and for others, it is more subtle and quiet.
1. You are a survivor
You learnt from an early age how to look after yourself. You cope and manage with life’s ups and downs, events and experiences alone because this is what you have always done. You don't allow your partner to get close or to help you.
Growing point: Learn how to share your emotions and feelings with others and learn how to ask for help.
2. You don’t fully commit to relationships
You have commitment issues in relationships and have built walls around your heart. You find it difficult to commit to one partner or perhaps regularly dating others. These commitment issues also may manifest in other areas of your life - unable to commit to projects, goals, work and social activities. This fear of commitment causes a lack of connection and movement in the relationship.
Growing point: Look at areas in your life where you find it difficult to commit and make a conscious choice and action to step towards committing more (where it is right to do so)
3. You fear intimacy and vulnerability
You hide part of yourself away, and only half show up in relationships. You built a wall around your heart to protect you from abandonment. The fear of getting too close and open creates a detachment in the relationship and yourself.
Growing point: The step to moving beyond the fear of intimacy and vulnerability is to communicate and to be open with your partner your fears.
4. You have control issues
You try to control others, situations and events to keep you safe from unexpected experiences - and abandonment. There are many different types of control issues - from being bossy, co-dependency control, guilt led control, silent treatment or withdrawal until you get your own way. These control issues causes a very one sided relationships and communication issues.
Growing point: Learn to identify your triggers and what underlying emotion, fear or feeling is there.
5. You disconnect from your partner
You like to be separate and fully independent rather than working as a team with your partner. You may keep yourself isolated and emotionally withdraw from communication, sex and intimacy in your relationships. This disconnection stops the relationships going deeper and experiencing more love and joy.
Growing point: Learn and practice opening your heart to your partner. Do fun things together - go out on a date, dancing or go away for a weekend. Share your feelings with your partner.
Healing the wounds of abandonment
Fear of abandonment at its highest level blocks love and creates dysfunctional relationships. There is a way to move beyond this. Healing the wound of abandonment is a journey of self-reliance based on love rather than fear, and learning how to commit with your mind, body and heart with yourself and your partner. For some this journey can be difficult but the rewards of love, joy, connection and happiness are great.
Ask yourself this. Are you really ready to make a change and move towards a deeper commitment in your relationship rather than fear of abandonment?
If so contact Linda now on 075 3421 3556 for a free telephone initial consultation.
Linda Connors is a UK and International Hypnotherapist and Coach working with men, women and couples heal the wounds of the heart to allow them to create the relationship they desire. For more information please visit: fear of intimacy
Relationships with a loved one is a special gift. It gives us space to grow and develop to allow love to flourish. It allows a special person to share your journey upon this earth and create a shared vision together. Your relationship also holds a mirror up to your insecurities, wounds, pains of the past and deepest fears. You get to only really get to know another once the honeymoon period is over, when the masks begin to slip and the fears, judgements, and insecurities begin to surface.
When you are open and honest with yourself and your partner it allows time for growth, healing and working together as a team. For some this is truly frightening as they prefer to hold on tightly to the ways of the past regardless of how uncomfortable and dysfunctional they are. They project onto the other and blame them for their misfortune in life and their love becomes conditional.
All of this is created by the ego. On one level it is used to keep you safe and at arm's length. At another level it keeps the relationship stagnant and stuck. Here is a beautiful piece by Rev. Diane Berke which illustrates how the ego works in relationship and how it blocks love from flourishing
Vows of the Ego
Just take a moment to consider your relationship
Once you read this just pause for a moment and breathe. Which vow relates to you and your relationship? Which one is holding you back? Are you ready to be open and honest with yourself? Are you ready to change your impact in the relationship - to relate in a new way? It takes courage, action and love to change your relationship.
Linda Connors is a hypnotherapist and coach helping people break dysfunctional relationship patterns, grow and enter a new place of love, kindness, compassion and honesty. For more information or to book an appointment with Linda please call 075 3421 3557
It is often said that the greatest human fears include death and public speaking. I believe that the fear of intimacy is also one of the greatest fears. Intimacy is what brings people closer and deepens relationships. Yet so many fear real intimacy. They feel more comfortable only half showing up and being only half present in life and relationships. I believe that intimacy can truly transform people's lives. Not just their relationship with others but also with their relationship with themselves. Because intimacy is the only way we know ourselves and know others.
Why do people fear intimacy? People are often afraid of what is inside them. The wounds, pain and hurt of the past still lives within their mind and body. They are afraid of rejection. Ashamed of who they are. So they keep a tight guard over their heart. On an unconscious level there may be a part of them trying to protect them. In this age of perfection they feel any wound or hurt is a sign of weakness. So the impact of this is that they only half show up in their life and relationships. They present only one side of themselves to others.
How modern life has created a false intimacy. In our modern time of social media, tinder and internet dating it's easier to be intimate with another after a few drinks - indeed many find it is easier to have sex than be intimate with another. In our modern world to be intimate with each other on Facebook includes likes and comments on posts. These intimacy issues have always been part of our humanity however it has manifested on a different level with the digital age. I see it all so often. Couples sitting across from each other at dinner both disconnected from each other yet so very connected to their phones and what other people are doing yet missing out on what is in front of them.
As humans we seek connection with others yet are too afraid to truly love and open the doors to our hearts to allow another person to see all of us - not just our best bits, our strengths, and joy but also our weakness, the shadows and the wounds. This takes courage to fully show up in this way but the rewards are great for we need intimacy in our lives to truly flourish.
The art of intimacy. To be intimacy with another we must also learn how to be intimate with ourselves. To practice self-love, compassion and kindness. To remove our self imposed masks and ideas about perfection. To judge less and be kind more. To be intimate with another we must remove the guards around our hearts. We must be be willing to be vulnerable. When you let go of the fear of intimacy your life changes - you begin to embrace connection with yourself and others on a deeper level. You focus on what's important rather than hiding parts of you. You feel much more free within your mind, body and heart.
Intimacy isn't just about sex or physical contact. It's about a deeper connection from the well springs of your heart. Today be brave and take the first step towards a greater intimacy. Share your wildest dreams. Your hopes and desires. Go out in nature together. Dance. Also go beyond the voice. There is nothing so beautiful as to gaze into your eyes of your loved one. No words. Let the intimate and wise heart speak with the voice of love.
Your heart knows the voice and rhythm of intimacy. Shift your awareness down into your heart and feel the connection there. Let your guard down. Remove your self imposed mask and allow yourself to be truly seen. Slowly and gently - go at your own pace. When intimacy awakens in your heart your life changes. You feel more comfortable within yourself. Your choices will be based upon love, dreams and hopes rather than fear, shames and hiding your true self.
Intimacy strengthens and deepens connections and relationships. It's the soul of a relationship. It's the gentle fire in your heart. The grace of your love. There is nothing to fear about intimacy for that for it's the naturally expression of who you are within your body, heart and mind.
When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning. John O'Donohue
Our society is fast moving ahead with technology. Robots are becoming more and more advanced and human like and may soon be replacing many roles within the next 25 years. I read an article during the week about the possibility of robots being used for sex and companionship by 2050 - that's less than 34 years away.
As a hypnotherapist and coach one of the areas I specialise in is intimacy and love with ourselves and others, connection and sexual dysfunctions. All of these aspects impact how we show up in the world - from living a life of passion, drive and focus. To be confident and comfortable in our skin. So after reading this article my mind went into over drive with questions.
Is having sex with a robot ethical? Will robotic sex become the new addiction replacing internet porn addiction? How will this impact relationships, sex lives and our society?
Intimacy is what makes us human. It's the key to opening our hearts and helps us to bond and connect with others. We are beginning to lose the art of intimacy. In our modern day world we have the world of connection at our finger tips and we are in danger of replacing friendships, intimacy and connection by social media. Sex is more than a physical act or sexual release it's a journey to really get to know ourselves and others on a deeper level. It's what brings two people together in a way no other way can. If robotic sex becomes acceptable in our society and we begin to lose this level of intimacy we will also begin to lose a level of our humanity and sense of self. For intimacy allows us to build a bridge from one individual to another.
Sex without intimacy is like dancing without music
From intimacy we move into the power of relationships. Within our human hearts we seek connection, love and relationships. Relationships offers us a place to be a home within ourselves and another. To grow and develop together. Two individuals unite as a team. To learn how to be vulnerable with each other. Internet porn addiction is already deeply impacting relationships. To what level will robotic sex impact intimate relationships, how we connect with others and show up in the world? The gift of intimate relationships is that it truly awakens something inside us for to be in a relationships with others we must also be in a relationship with ourselves. What will society lose if robotic sex becomes the norm? Perhaps the ability to form healthy and loving relationships and this will impact so many different areas of our society.
Can we - should we - have sex with robots? It's so important to begin to have real conversations, discussions and debates about this now as there are already robotic sex toys on the market in America and Japan. Just as porn has changed individuals (particularly men) expectations of sex, sexually objectifying women, pleasure, arousal and relationships sex with robots can create further damage. Many young women are pressured into sex and believing that they need to act and look like porn stars - will this then extend that they will also need to perform like a robot? The impact of android sex is that a robot can't say no - so sex is on hand any time the person wishes - and this could lead to sex addiction and further issues of sexual objectification.
As a human being and a therapist and coach I am deeply concern for our next generation. Now is the time to educate them not just about the dangers of porn addiction but also the importance of healthy relationships, of love, of intimacy, of healthy boundaries and a loving connected sexual relationship. To prepare them for the future of the next stage of our humanity.