Articles and writing with Linda Connors
In my private hypnotherapy and coaching practice one of the most common areas men come to see me for is sexual performance anxiety.
They worry about how long they will last, will they get an erection, ejaculate to soon or worried about pleasing their partner/making her orgasm. Whether it's in a new relationships or a long-standing one sexual anxiety limits the fun, enjoyment and pleasure of sex.
Sexual performance anxiety is often all consuming - impacting your mind, body and penis. It restricts and limits your sexual performance because your energy is focused on anxiety.
This article for both men and women alike. Men - know that you are not alone when you experience sexual anxiety. It may not be openly discussed, but it impacts many men and help is available to solve this. Women - it's so important you understand that men also have fears, anxiety and feel vulnerable with sex. Be supportive and give them the space they need to work through this without any pressure.
1. Sexual performance anxiety caused by sexual dysfunction
Working with hundreds of men over the years who experience delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, I have personally witnessed the impact sexual issues has on their lives, relationships, masculinity and even work performance. When a man is not able to perform due to sexual dysfunction it has a huge impact at the core of him, he feels deeply embarrassed, ashamed and even humiliated - this causes sexual performance anxiety which often dominates his thoughts constantly.
2. Anxious about pleasing your partner
A man's identity is closed linked to his sexual identity and if men worry they are not able to sexually please their partner this will often cause high levels of anxiety. As a result, men put more pressure on themselves to perform better, and this causes the cycle of sexual anxiety that they are not good enough or worry their partner may leave them.
3. Anxious mindset
It's so very hard to enjoy sex when your thoughts and mindset get in the way. "Is my partner enjoying this", "Am I going to lose my erection?", or "Will I ejaculate too soon?" Often men who experience sexual anxiety have what we call a fixed, critical or judgement mindset. They focus on failing before it has even happened. When you are preoccupied with failing and focussed too much on your thoughts it is so very difficult to enjoy sex and be connected with your partner, and this causes inmore anxiety.
4. Penis size and shame
A man's penis is linked to his male identity and if he feels his penis isn't adequate to please his partner, or a new partner will laugh at his penis size this causes sexual anxiety. According to a 2008 study in the Journal of Health Psychology men's anxiety about penis size are top of their list alongside weight and height. The anxiety and shame about penis size can impact a man in many areas of his life - many will not even start a new relationship, worry they are not able to please their partners sexually, causes performance anxiety and how he sees himself as a man and impacts his confidence levels.
5. Men, sex and vulnerability
Sexual performance anxiety for men can be so isolating because he often will not discuss what he is feeling with his partner for fear of appearing weak or not a man. They are afraid to let their partner see this vulnerable side. Yet, the key to a deeper, intimate and more connected sex is in vulnerability.
6. Sex and a new partner
The first time a couple has sex together is often a very vulnerable experience for both of them. As they begin to open their hearts to each other it deepens and brings a new level of intimacy. However, for some men this can bring high levels of anxiety especially if they deeply care for their partner and see a possible long term relationship. They worry they will not please her or not able to perform. Even putting on a condom can be anxiety provoking.
How to truly overcome sexual performance anxiety
The path to overcoming sexual performance anxiety is also a personal journey of your strengths, what you need to develop, and where you need to grow.
Each man's journey and path is unique, some need more help with their mindset and thoughts, others about fears and anxiety, and for others it's about working through a sexual issues, or how they deal with their partner's lack of support.
If you need help to overcome sexual anxiety you are welcome to contact me and let's have a conversation and discuss how I can help you to say goodbye to performance anxiety and welcome into your mind, body and heart an opportunity for better sex and a calmer mind and body.
Men's sexual issues hit deep in a man's psyche, identity level of who they are as a man, their masculinity and sexual confidence.
Men can often feel so very alone, find it difficult to talk about and often ignore the sexual issue. They do not want to get caught up in the cycle of anxious thoughts, limiting beliefs, disempowered mindset or fears which then leads to a frustrated sexual performance. Yet they do not know who to move to pass this.
Here are my top 5 tips for overcoming sexual dysfunction so you can last longer in bed.
Step 1 - Stop focusing on what you don't want
It's very easy, on a conscious or subconscious level, to focus on what you don’t have yet or don’t want. Such as - I’m going to lose my erection. I’m not going to please my partner. I’m going to ejaculate too quickly.
This thinking style quickly escalates into thought loops – which is when the thoughts go round and round without an exit point or any form of resolution. A thought loop may go something like: "I feel like sex tonight. But I can’t because I will come too quickly. I don’t feel like a man. I won’t be able to sexually please my partner. I am going to fail. My partner will leave me".
ACTION: When you find yourself thinking of what you don’t want – simply shift your awareness, attention and focus to what you do want. My suggestion is to do this without any judgement or pressure on yourself – as this holds you back.
Albert Einstein said we can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them
Step 2 - Get outside of your comfort zone
If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got! If you want a better sex life and last longer in bed it's important you step just outside of your comfort zone and by that I mean that you are willing to take risks, to initiate sex and stop allowing sex to be the elephant in the room.
Action: Stop allowing fear to dominate your sexual actions. Take small steps towards change and towards the edge of your comfort zone
Step 3 - Stop beating yourself up
Many of my clients tend to beat themselves up when they encounter sexual issues, and if things don't go the way they wanted or expected sexual. They align what happened with their identity as a man.
Perhaps you notice that you start judging yourself and then mentally and emotionally start to beat yourself up – you start to get annoyed, angry and frustration and then bump into more fears and insecurities - and this creates the anxiety cycle.
This cycle of beating yourself up, judging and sexual anxiety keeps you stuck.
Action: Begin to notice when you beat yourself up, when you get addicted to over thinking and are over analysing. When it happens ask yourself it is helpful to beat myself up? I wonder how it would make a difference if you were more forgiving and accepting of yourself?
Step 4 - Learn how to be more present and connected during sex
Perhaps you get so caught up in being a good lover, giving your partner an orgasm and being able to perform, focus on what your penis is doing and worrying about lasting longer in bed that you actually forget how to be present and connected during sex and with your partner.
Men often think the power of sex comes from their performance first. Of course this matters and makes a difference but it’s not the most important thing. The first important aspect is your presence.
Action: Being present is about being present with yourself – being connected to yourself, being whole. Practice bringing your awareness to the here and now. When your thoughts being to wander - bring your awareness to you in-breath and out-breath.
This video can help you to stop being so hyper-focussed on what is happening with your penis and allow yourself to be more connected and present during sex.
Step 5 - Trust your ability to create change
Don King said “Confidence comes not from knowing you know everything but from knowing you can handle what comes up.
Don’t worry if you are not where you want to be right at the moment in time – be confident in your potential. You were born with an amazing amount of skills, strengths and resources – learn to tap into them and use them.
Action: Stop focusing on what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future. Focus on the outcome you want and the solution. Think of all the situations you have improved - you did that because you have an amazing amount of skills, strengths and resources - learn how to utilise them to help you resolve your sexual issues.
Linda Connors is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist and Confidence Coach and works with executives to overcome male sexual issues.
Appointments for London hypnotherapy are in London Harley Street and also through Skype.
To work with Linda and discover how she can help you last longer in bed call 075 3421 3557.
Premature ejaculation for men has a detrimental impact on so many areas of their life and relationships. It truly can cause high level of sexual anxiety and sexual frustration for some men.
Yet many men experience many years of unsatisfactory sex hoping the issue will go away by itself. For many it won't.
Because premature ejaculation is caused by many factors, and these of course vary from men to men. From early conditioned, porn induced premature ejaculation, anxiety, mindset and thoughts.
In this short video I share the 4 pillars of success to last longer in bed.
1st Pillar of success: Created a powerful mindset, beliefs and thoughts.
2nd Pillar of success: Feel calmer (Reducing anxiety and fear)
3rd Pillar of success: Create sexual confidence
4th Pillar of success: Retrain your body, penis.
So many men struggle unnecessarily for years with premature ejaculation. Help is available so help you take control back to last longer in bed.
Linda is Europe's Leading Sex Hypnotherapist and helps men recover from sexual dysfunction (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and sexual anxiety) so they can last longer in bed and enjoy better sex!
Appointments in London Harley Street, Bath and Skype.
Who are you really?
I know it's a big topic and for many they simply do not know how to answer.
Are you your fears, anxiety or dysfunctional behaviours?
Perhaps you try to hide from these by creating a mask or a persona - so you try to act more confident, happier or successful.
You invest your energy into something that isn't real or serving you and it's also hard to keep up!
When I stopped trying to be someone I wasn't, accepted and love the human part of me that experiences emotions, feelings and thoughts a whole new world opened up for me. And it can for you.
Men who try to be more masculine without embracing their vulnerabilities, emotions and feelings. Women who try to be more confident without tapping into their inner skills and resources. They do this because they fear others will "find out" about them.
There is another way to live your life - dare to you!
Linda Connors is a coach and hypnotherapist dedicated to help re-discover who they are, connect with their heart and experience more meaningful happiness, love and success.
I would love to hear from you - call 075 3421 3557 and let's talk about your life, your goals, dreams and what changes you are ready to commit to.
Whether it’s premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or sexual anxiety here are the most common 4 mindset traps men fall into about sex and their performance. These mindset traps are designed to tripped you up even when you so deeply want to overcome the presenting sexual issue.
When you have sex and if you are embodying and thinking one or more of these mindsets you will simply default back into sexual anxiety, low sexual confidence and of course this will trigger either premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction – and as a result shorten your sexual experience.
Mindset trap 1 - "I can't perfom"
It's difficult to have belief in your natural sexual ability when you are triggered by the mindset of "I can't perform" - either I am going to ejaculation too so or I am going to lose my erection. The ego enjoys reminding of your situation - it's important that the ego doesn't become dominate otherwise you will keep falling into this mindset trap.
Create space for a new belief to shine through. Make it realistic and what you can focus on today such as - I am learning to control my physical reactions (ejaculation or erections).
When you have a 'solution thinking mindset' - and choose to focus 80% of your thoughts/words on solutions - you will not only be heading more speedily to long-term success, but you will immediately feel better in the moment. Karen Salmansohn
mINDSET TRAP 2 - "iT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN"
This mindset trap "It's going to happen again" loves to remind you what has happened in the past. In a way it brings the past into the now and also into your future.
One of the big challenges for men who experience sexual issues is to stop focusing on the past and bring their awareness, breath and loving focus on this present moment. This does require a change of thinking patterns, focus and practice!
Your mindset matters. It affects everything - from the business and investment decisions you make, to the way you raise your children, to your stress levels and overall well-being. Peter Diamandis
mINDSET TRAP 3 - "i CAN'T SEXUALLY PLEASE MY PARTNER"
This mindset trap of "i can't sexually please my partner" brings a deep fear and insecurity of not able to sexual please your partner which ultimately brings about more anxiety, stress and sexual dysfunction. You end up being disconnect from her and then focus to much on your thoughts and what is happening with your penis. Remember sex is part pleasure - and also about connection - it's a way for a couple to truly get to know the other.
When men get caught in this mindset trap they lose the real connection of sex, intimacy and connection. So sex become a game of your performance and trying to get your partner to orgasm. When caught up in this mindset sex becomes a game you will never win - because in most cases it leads you down the path of either ejaculation to soon or not getting/or maintaining your erection.
The way a man penetrates the world should be the same way he penetrates his woman: not merely for personal gain or pleasure, but to magnify love, openness, and depth. David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
mINDSET tRAP 4 - "i AM NOT A MAN"
This mindset trap – I am not a man is often an unconscious belief and many are not even aware they think of feel this. Many men think because they experience a sexual issue or sexual dysfunction they are not a man. They feel embarrassed about their lack of ability to last longer in bed and align this with their identity as a man. As a result this mindset trap unconsciously seeps into other areas of his life – how he shows up with other men, how he leads, how he deals with conflict and even when his friends are discussing sex.
Your sexual ability does not define your masculinity - however how you choose to grow, learn and develop from these experiences does.
The more comfortable men are with dealing with their own vulnerability and their own ideas of masculinity and feeling emasculated, the healthier they are. It's a healthy thing to deal with. Ben Schnetzer
Your sexual issue does not define you
Men often see align this sexual issues with their identity. It's a physical behaviour and it's not connected to who you truly are - although it can seem like that. I have worked with some men who put up with either ejaculation too soon, or not able to get an erection as they were so embarrassed or humiliated by it and couldn't face speaking to anyone about it. I hear many of my clients say - "Linda I wish I got help sooner", "I can't belief I let this continue for so long without sorting it out" and "I regret the last 20 years of my life but now I am ready to overcome this issue". Don't wait too long to sort it out because you are missing on not just on sex, but also life, fun and enjoyment.
If you are ready to speak to me today about how I can help please call 075 3421 3557 or click on the button below.
What does confidence mean to you? My guess is you are here reading this article because you want to be more confident in your career, in the bedroom, communicating or life in general.
As a confidence coach, one of the traps I see many people getting into is they want to be more confident but they actually spend little time on what confidence means to them.
When people think about confidence it’s often a thought of: “I want more confidence”, “I want confidence to speak up in meetings” “I want more sexually confidence” “I want to be a confident leader” and the want lists of “doing” continues. It's really important to remember that confidence isn’t a state of doing or wanting – it’s a way of being where your mind, body, heart and spirit come into true alignment with your real true self and how you want to live your life.
Being confident is about connecting to your true self and allowing this to be naturally expressed in your life. Yet many people get into the trap of forcing confidence, wait until they are prefect, or long for the day when confidence magically arrives and brings all their personal wrongs to right, and all goals into reality.
Many simple accept these confidence traps so they put off truly living because they do not feel confident enough to ask someone on a date, ask for a payrise, have sex, or speak up in a meeting. Life eventually passes by them and before they know it they are on their deathbed with deep heartfelt regrets and many lost dreams.
It doesn’t need to be this way!
Building my own confidence was a journey for me which spans back to childhood, teenage years, and growing into an adult. I held myself back, kept safe and played small. It's fair to say I was very unhappy. Building my own confidence was a journey of meeting myself, learning to love myself, how to respond to the inner critic, connecting with my inner mentor, and be in the grace of acceptance.
Building confidence was not about waiting for the day when I was perfect - it was learning to live in this moment from a place of confidence. Meeting any judgement, fears and the inner critic from a place of love, kindness and acceptance AND still taking risks, learning to show up fully and expressing my true self in the world.
It can be such as shock when you discover your partner has been watching porn in secret. You may feel angry, alone, upset, and worried he may no longer find you attractive.
There are many complicated reasons why men watch porn, and often it is not just about sex.
In this video "what to do when you discover your partner is addicted to porn" are steps for you to take.
After the initial shock, anger and upset you may begin to see this an opportunity to work together to create the relationship and life you both want - free from the influence of porn.
How you can support your partner when they are addicted to porn
Loving someone who is addicted to porn is difficult. They have changed from the loving, caring and doting partner to someone who is detached, maybe suffering from porn induced sexual dysfunction, or disconnected from life.
No matter how much you love your partner it’s important to remember this is their own personal journey they must take. Be there to support them when needed – but it’s essential to know that you can’t make them stop watching porn. No matter how much you love them, how much they love you you must take a step back and allow them to take this journey themselves.
Of course, be there to support them. To talk to them. Set your own personal boundaries. But do not overly nurture them or try to control them.
Understand that porn addiction is a legitimate addiction. Scientific tests has shown the true extent of porn addiction on the brain, the chemical releases and sexual dysfunction.
The good news porn addiction and the behaviour patterns can be rectified if the person is ready, willing and able to stop watching porn. If they are not able to do this themselves professional help is available to support them on this journey.
Like any addiction from cocaine, gambling to drinking addictions the person must want help and want to change. It takes courage to change your life especially when resolving an addiction.
Linda works with men who want to end porn addiction. To stop watching porn call 075 3421 3557.
Appointments are available in London Harley Street or Skype.
The inner critic. We all have one - that voice from within that warns us, holds us back, tells us we are not good enough. The inner critic can also be the way fear, judgement or anxiety expresses itself through thoughts. The voice is usually negative, doom and gloom.
The problem with the inner critic is so much as what it says - it's the way many accept the inner critic as 100% fact and allow it to dominate their lives. For some this goes on for years and they only live half a life because they are not living up to their potential.
When we begin to understand that one of function of the inner critic is in a way to protect us from harm, embarrassment or things going wrong we can begin to build a new relationship with the inner critic.
In this video I share with you three ways to silence your inner critic so you can begin to step up and be who you truly are in your career, relationship and life.
About Linda Connors
Linda is a Coach and Hypnotherapist in London working with aspiring leaders, executives and business owners to tap into their potential so they can enjoy more meaningful love, success and happiness.
To book an appointment or enquire about Linda's hypnotherapy and coaching programmes call 075 3421 3557.
Questions that we ask ourselves are powerful tools. They can provide a pathway towards growth, hope and insights. They also have the power to keep us stuck and destroy the possibility of change.
The key is asking the right high grade questions with an open mind, heart and body. Enter a space of curiosity and courage and allow the questions to be your guide.
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. Albert Einstein
The mind loves to recycle thoughts.
* I'm not good enough.
* I'm not worthy.
* I'm stupid.
* Why can't I get this right?
* I'm a failure.
Perhaps you have other recycled thoughts which are on constant repeat.
Begin to see these thoughts are coming from the judgement mindset or the inner-critic mindset.
Pay attention to how your body responds to them.
Let me give you an example of the thinking patterns of a man who ejaculates to soon is often:
* Will my partner leave me?
* Will I last longer this time?
* I can't control it
* I feel too anxious
* I am going to fail
* I am not a man
* I can't please my partner
* What does she think of me?
These questions/statements keeps the man stuck in the cycle of anxiety, stressed thoughts and loss of ejaculation control. It also blocks him from moving forward so he can last longer in bed.
Learning how to coach yourself by asking powerful questions
The way to change these questions and statements is start a line of inquiry with yourself.
What assumptions am I making? Is this true? What do I need right now?
Consider these questions as coming from a inquiring mind, or as some like to call it the learning/growth mind-set. Notice the difference on how they feel in your body when you ask them in your mind.
When you ask powerful and high grade questions from the inquiring mind it guides you forward into new possibilities rather than focusing on the past.
You then become your own self-coaches. It also opens up a whole new world full of possibilities, success, happiness and change.
That's the power of the questions we ask ourselves!
About Linda Connors
Porn addiction is the modern day drug which impacts children, teenagers and men of all ages. We need to see the bigger picture and consequences of porn on our culture and society.
We now live in a time where children and men have a 24 hour supply and access to porn when they want it. We need to start asking ourselves what society and culture have we created where a man wants to have sex with himself while watching two, or more, random people having sex on his screen.
It's much more than releasing sexual energy or getting off. There is an inner world and landscape of underlying urges, drives, chemicals in the brain, behaviours, psychology, and mental patterns that motivate men to continue to watch porn and become addicted.
Porn takes away more than it gives
But, here's the thing.
You may think porn is giving you sexual pleasure and release - it actually takes away more than it gives. Porn and Porn Addiction is more damaging than you ever thought possible.
You may even try to justify your porn viewing to yourself by saying these statements (which I have heard many times from men):
"I watch porn like everyone else", "It's now part of our society" "Everyone else watches it, so what's the problem?" "My friend watches more than me"
These lies you tell yourself are there to help you ignore the reality of your situation. They are to encourage your behaviour around porn. You may think watching porn is normal. It's not. It was a direct impact upon your brain, chemicals and sexual function.
Internet porn is a multi-billion industry and is designed in a way so you to keep coming back for more and more.
The hard cold fact is that porn takes away more than it gives.
Porn takes away your sense of self
Porn takes away your sense of self. It blocks you from showing up in the world as your true self. It blocks your creativity and lust for life as you waste hours upon hours watching two or more random people having sex - anything from vanilla porn to hardcore porn.
Porn disconnects you from your soul, your purpose, vision, and sense of masculinity. It creates issues in relationships, sexual function and intimacy. It blocks your connection to your body and heart.
When men lose meaning, passion and purpose in their life they truly suffer. The world does too.
The world doesn't need more men who are lost, hiding from life through porn, with no sense of purpose, direction and vision. The world needs more men who have the courage to say no to porn and to show up in their true essence, in their vulnerability, their strengths, and masculinity.
My question to you today - are you willing to take the first step today and reclaim your life from porn? To reconnect to your sense of self and soul? To live with courage, purpose and vision? To give permission to be the man you are deep down in your heart and body? If so, you must be willing to stop watching porn today. Not tomorrow, or next week. Change starts today. Be the man you want to be.
Linda Connors is a porn addiction hypnotherapist and has helped men quit porn and say yes to life with courage, purpose and visions. You can find more about Linda's programme here: The Porn Addiction Recovery Programme or to book your appointment today call 075 3421 3557.